The Imagination Factory

12-Steps for the Email Addicted

May 4th, 2008 by Ted Bailey

It’s sooooo easy to get sucked into their addiction isn’t it? They apply guilt or fear. They play on our greed. And what’s worse is that its usually someone we know, love and trust. The emails are simple requests… it would only take a minute… so what could it possibly hurt?

But make no mistake about it, as cute or poignant as they often are, these chain emails are still SPAM. SPAM that clogs up the email servers and internet bandwidth around the planet. Let’s look at this chain email pyramid realistically for a moment.

Let’s say my sister, Ruth, sends me an email that at the end suggests, recommends, or guilts me into “passing it on to 10 other friends.” Ok, let’s say I (and the other 9 people sis sent to) do just that and forward it to 10 people, and they each, in turn send it to 10 more. How many emails has she actually spawned? 10, 100, 1000? The answer: 1,110 (including her original 10 emails). One more level deep (assuming 100% compliance) and she will have generated 11,110 emails.

How long might this take, you ask? Well some of these MUST be done within minutes or you’ll lose out, bad luck will befall you or some such thing. With the immediacy of email, we ‘could’ have these 11,110 emails ‘airborn’ in a half hours time.

So… the next time you get one, send ‘em here for the 12 step program for the email addicted (to be honest, I got this… in an email… from my sister). :)

12 STEP PROGRAM

EVERYONE PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR MONITOR AND REPEAT THESE WORDS WITH ME:

  1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!
  2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
  3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
  4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
  5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca-Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, OutBack SteakHouse or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
  6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail..NEVER-NEVER!!
  7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not gullible enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
  8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 or 8 years old. He is now cancer-free and 35+ years old and DOESN’T WANT ANYMORE POST CARDS or GET-WELL CARDS.
  9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 601B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
  10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
  11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
  12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

All my friends already know that I love them – whether or not I respond to or forward an email.

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out.

Oh, and you will have really good luck if you send me $20.



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